Porcelain Lap Dance

Porcelain Lap Dance

Here’s the nitty gritty, the grimy…the gutter. I am back on my engineering grind, living the glamourless life in Hearne, TX. As has become expected of me the last few months, I’ve been a bit AWOL from this site. I’m sure you folks out there have become accustomed to it. Like I always vow and promise, I’ll try to be more consistent and frequent with posts, but I’ve largely disappointed before, so whose to say I won’t again?

Double Coronary Bypass Burger. Side of taters. Approximately 8 1/2 minutes. That’s how long it took me to get my beast on and devour that. A few friends and I had been engaging in back and forth competitive banter berating one another’s appetite. We were hellbent on emasculating one another by exhibiting unparalleled gastronomical prowess. So, this past weekend, we finally sat down at The Vortex in Little 5, tossed aside nutritional common sense, and decided to settle who was the “really man”. The time had come to shut our faces and torture our tummies. For a little culinary background information, the Double Coronary Bypass Burger is a 1/2 lb beef patty served on 2 grilled cheese sandwiches (used as the buns) with 5 slices of bacon and 2 fried eggs (along with 4 slices of cheese). For flips and wiggles, they throw in some green leaf lettuce. Since I’m a vegetarian, I passed on the bacon and substituted 2 veggie patties for 1 beef patty. It was not nearly as intimidating as expected. I thought that I’d be grasping my colon and massaging my foodbox as soon as I took a few bites, but such was not the case. All three of us downed our burgers and taters in less than 10 minutes – and I felt fine afterwards. I wasn’t exactly sent sprinting to the bathroom to administer a porcelain lap dance. Admittedly, I was slightly disappointed. I thought it would be more of a challenge. Maybe we just underestimated our gluttonous appetites?

The Vortex Throwdown was a perfectly appropriate way to segue into my trip to Texas this week. I swear to you, everything is fried in this state. And what about vegetarian options, you soy swashbucklin’, tofu fightin’ green cats ask? Excruciatingly scarce. I’ve been to two burger joints in the past couple of weeks and the only vegetarian option that either had was a grilled cheese sandwich. Don’t get me wrong, grilled cheese has more cache than the suspenders I’m gonna bring back in style, but c’mon, a little variety wouldn’t hurt. In addition, the concept of healthy food is endangered, if not extinct, here. I’m queasy and exhausted by the lack of nutritionally conscious food they have out here. But…as always, it is what it always has been.

So…I got suckered, bamboozled…sweet-talked into attending an Art of Living (breathing techniques/yoga type stuff) course a few weeks back. Contrary to presumptive opinion, I found it beneficial and informational. I’m largely skeptical on how much of these techniques I will incorporate into my daily routine, but regardless, it was a great experience. I may further explore this avenue in the future.

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