I’ve had a week to digest the death of an extremely close cousin. I wonder if I am handling it too well. I’m not sure exactly how one should feel in situations like these. By no means do I intend to marginalize death or sound callous, but I tend to deal with situations like these with a “such is life” shrug of the shoulders. I don’t know why I am so flippant about tragedy sometimes. I mean, when I think about last week’s tragedy, it hurts. It especially hurts knowing that I will never again see someone I had become so accustomed to seeing all the time. I mean, there was a good 4-5 year stretch of time when I would see Ankit at least 2-3 times a week. Him not ever being there again is almost unimaginable.
My brother has taken it especially hard. Ankit took his own life on my brother’s birthday (May 19). He has had trouble sleeping and says that he keeps envisioning Ankit’s face and lifeless body in his sleep. He had developed an affinity for Ankit. He would always get excited whenever Ankit would come over to my house. They would always play video games together and share a frozen bean burrito or two. How can you explain death to a 16 year old? How can you explain suicide to a 16 year old? I talked to him for a few minutes and tried to explain to him that Ankit is in a better place right now and that sometimes…shit just happens…point blank period. I explained to him that sometimes things happen that defy reason and rationality. Sometimes in life, very little closure can be sufficed. I hope that I provided some kind of solace.
My mom nearly flipped out because I didn’t cry at the funeral. My eyes welled up and I found myself on the verge of losing it a few times, but I clenched my jaw and restrained my emotions. I don’t know why I am like this, but I know that this is the way I deal with things sometimes. I don’t mean to come off as indifferent or unaffected by tragedy, but I don’t know how else to deal with these sort of things. Maybe it still hasn’t hit me yet, I don’t know. I’m just trying not to think about it too much. Regardless, my suffering is an insignificant microscopic speck in comparison to what his immediate family is going through – and I refuse to lose sight of those who have been devastated the most.
I have stopped asking why and ceased searching for answers. Sometimes, life can unsuspectingly hit you in the mouth. All you can do is ice the sore wound and move on.