So, once again, another year is oh so very close to coming to an end. Where did the year go? Did it really go by that fast? Seems like when I was younger, time went by a tad bit slower, but now that I’ve become older, It’s like weeks turn into months and months into years seemingly in a matter of seconds (ok, not that quick – but you get the point).
I think a lot of last year had to do with me becoming a “grown ass man”. I always had the mentality, but never the actual physical fruition of my efforts. But now, I have my own car and my own place – and that feels good. I think I’ve gotten back to the once-forgotten idea of self. I’ve thought a lot of about where I want to be and what kind of person I want to be in the coming years. I think that, to an extent, I lost some of my identity – some of what made me so unique and essentially, made me, me. I’m still in the process of figuring out everything – I haven’t solved all the variables in the equation of life just yet, but I’m inching my way there.
I so badly wanted to be able help my family out financially and emotionally. I think I’ve done that, but truthfully speaking, I probably could’ve contributed more – but that gives me something else to work on. I made it a major point to make sure my sister’s wedding goes as smoothly as possible and to alleviate as much emotional and financial stress from her as possible. I regret that I probably could’ve contributed a little more – maybe focused in a little more. I admit that. But, I guess life has been pretty hectic for me over the course of the past few months – and all this traveling for work hasn’t exactly eased any of the strain caused by my other responsibilities. But, like always, I find a way. I’m not big on excuses and have tried to make it a point to be as truthful and forthcoming with myself as possible. I guess it can be hard not to always paint yourself in a better light to make yourself feel better about your indiscretions and mistakes. But, I’ve tried to work on that and will continue to do so. Sometimes, nothing really needs to be said; sometimes, sugarcoating doesn’t need to be sufficed.
As far as my personal life, cobwebs and dust most aptly describe it. To say the least, it’s been a slow year. I’m not exactly sure why that is – maybe subconsciously I wanted it that way. I know at the beginning of the year, I REALLY didn’t want to get involved with anyone in anything serious. But, whatever feelings I had at the beginning of the year (bitterness? indifference? hopelessness?) have somehow been diminished. I don’t know if they’ve been resolved, but they aren’t lingering as prominently as before.
To improvise a line from Omarion – there isn’t an icebox where my heart used to be. I feel more optimistic and hopeful than I’ve felt in a while. The cynicism has subsided (thank God, because – that ain’t really me). I think that sometimes meeting new people and experiencing new things have a way of defrosting the ice-cold shell that’s formed around your heart. I think that sometimes people can give you hope – and sometimes, that’s all you need. Maybe I’m just talking out of my ass, but I guess that’s how I feel for the moment.
As far as family, I think that it’s been a good year. My sister is getting married, my brother has matured (kind of), my moms is still happy, my daadi is still healthy, vital and smiling, and my pops is still off the chain. If only I could have the same enthusiasm and optimism that my daadi and my moms have, if only.
My friends have hit some speed bumps along the way to their anticipated goals. My best friend didn’t exactly do as well as anticipated on the MCAT – so I’m hoping that he can come back stronger than ever and ace it next time. I probably want it for him more than he does. You know, me and him grew up together. Both in lower to middle class homes where struggle was prevalent throughout our daily lives. We had to work hard to get to where we are now. And, in some way, I’ve kind of made it. I graduated and I’m working and able to help out those in my life who mean the most to me. But his progress has been stifled and decelerated. Even if he doesn’t admit it, I know it has to be hard knowing that some people have already taken the next step while he is waiting to take his. Maybe that’s just how I would feel if I was in that situation, I don’t know. But, I hope the New Year brings positive experiences for him and that he aces the MCATS – then we can all hold hands and go kumbayaa – and then get inebriated out of our minds celebrating. I think that I’ve made a decent life for myself, I now want to see other people in my life do the same. That means something substantial to me.
Anyways, some things to focus on for the New Year:
- be more patient (sometimes, when I want something so bad, I grow
impatient…I want things to happen too fast – “life is an uphill climb, so don’t expect to break any speed records”….sometimes, instead of worrying more about the outcome, I should just sit back and savor the path to get there…I gotta learn to slow down in life sometimes)
- be a better listener (anyone who knows me knows this is true)
- improve my Spanish (I refuse to let my knowledge of the Spanish language go
- teach my brother how to drive (he’s gonna get his license in May –
- travel more (definitely to visit sis in California and who knows where
- cook more (gotta add more to my culinary resume)
- get PAID (don’t know if that means staying at my current job or leaving – but
it’s about that time to start considering other options)
- take the GREs
- get LASIK surgery (oh yeah – I’m practically blind)
- keep writing and try to actually pursue it a little more proactively (writing keeps me sane and is my own form of pseudo-therapy) – I’m so glad I got back to writing more – I think that was something I overlooked the past few years
- just ENJOY life and not get inundated by the non-sensical bullshit of
There are so many other things, but I can’t nearly think of them all. I don’t have any big goals or anything to accomplish this year – I just want to work on the little things. I just want to get back to being who I know I can be. Life is good – there are just a few minor discretions and details I gotta adjust.