Serenity

Serenity

Serenity evades me like the cold-blooded, midnight thief. I just want peace and serenity…does it have to be this goddamn hard??? Lose-lose pretty much describes certain situations that I am in. Aspirations and circumstances – how can one possibly choose between the two without feeling enormous guilt and/or regret??? Too often I’ve thought to myself, “why in the world am I still here???”…way too damn often…I DO NOT want to forget the way I feel now, because the feelings I feel when I am most frustrated are the ones the hold the most truth in my mind. I don’t want to sleep it off or forget about it. I want to nurture and cultivate it. I want these raw emotions to stay ripe in my brain and fresh in my soul. These emotions are what drive me to become a better person and to achieve what I need to achieve in order to be the person I have always wanted to become. These emotions help me reach the goals and aspirations I’ve set for myself. These uninhibited, uncensored emotions are what drive me to do the things that I need to do that are necessary and relevant to me finding the serenity and balance I need. These emotions give me the fortitude to do the right thing.

I need to do something and do it soon…i gotta leave the only place in my life where I feel stressed, frustrated, and at times angry. I have to leave my home and my family – I don’t even know how much longer I will be able to put on a good face. My patience is wearing razor thin. So many things I need to accomplish this summer and so little time – it is SO damn hard to not rush these life altering decisions when you feel so overwhelmed and inundated at times by things that are out of your control. Helpless is how I feel at times, devoid of any control or influence on my surroundings and environment. I dream of a day when I am free from the melodramatic bullshit that suffocates me in my private life at home. If I had to mortgage everything to make the lives of my family better, then I would – but there is no simple solution like that. Sometimes I wonder how I have made it this far without being scarred for life, without being bitter and jaded for the shit I’ve seen. How in the hell did I turn out normal??? I do not know the answer to that, but I pray every damn day that my brother can develop the kind of tunnel vision that I had – the kind that allows you to ignore all domestic obstacles and become the person you’ve always wanted to become. I don’t want him to fail because of his circumstances, I want him to overcome IN SPITE of his circumstances. I don’t want him to be fucked up in the head and emotionally disturbed. I just want him to be normal like me. My sister and I did all right for ourselves in spite of the domestic difficulties we endured throughout our years growing up. I can only hope that my brother’s future path mirrors ours. It pains me so damn much to see my brother cry over the very same shit I had to endure growing up. The bullshit has found a way of repeating itself…It just ain’t right….this shit just ain’t right…

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