cyn·i·cism – An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others

I’m trying hard, trying real hard with every ounce of my being, with every fiber of my existence to fight the cynicism growing inside of me. Some people think that certain people are just born cynical, that it is almost a genetic trait (some would say defect). I disagree with that. I think life makes you cynical. I think, as the older you become and more experienced in life you become, the more cynical you become. Nobody is immune to bad experiences and forgettable situations – NOBODY. These very experiences make us cynical, they dilute our trust and belief in the good of people and of circumstances. We no longer see the glass as half full, but half empty. We may approach a situation or relationship with an idealistic perspective and leave that very set of circumstances with a newfound pessimistic philosophy – we are transformed instantly from idealists to realists. And being a realist, you see the world as it is: a world filled with sin, hipocrisy, and a scarcity of goodness – now only realizing that it has always been this way. Should we pigeon hole our train of thought, have tunnel-vision with our optimism, with our hope and belief in the good of people? Is that living a life of ignorance? Should we be surprised when we are disappointed, when we are wronged??

The minute you acknowledge and adopt this way of thinking, you are instantaneously lost. You have now become a cynic and every decision and thought from that moment on will be laced with cynicism – whether you know it or not. The key, I think, is to know who you are – to acknowledge the metamorphosis of your character. Only then can you make the decision to either stay transformed or to revert back to your previous self. I have always given people the benefit of doubt and believed in the goodness of people, but recent circumstances and experiences have contradicted my own beliefs. I have become cynical – and I don’t like it. I need to stop this at the root and go back to the way I was. So much of what I love about myself, about my personality and character, is my belief in the good, not bad, of people; in the perpetual faith in people and of goodness. It gave me my spirit, my exuberance, and my sense of self.
I knew who I was and lived life with an optimistic chip on my shoulder. Things were more wondrous and I saw the unique intricacies in a person, overlooking the bad to get to the good. I would chip away at a person’s character ’til I found what made that person tick, irregardless of whatever they had done or the reputation that preceded them.

I have even become cynical in my own view of self and of my world and my future. I sometimes feel that I may not achieve certain goals and certain successes in my life. Marriage. Will I find the right woman? That has become the biggest question in my head. It lingers in my mind. Love is a feeling, an emotion that cannot be manufactured, that cannot be artificially reproduced. It is one of the few things in life where the phrase, “You really don’t know how it is until you have felt it” applies. I want to be in love and maybe, in some way, need to be loved. I don’t want to go the route of arranged marriage – unless I have no other viable option. I have become cynical in that regard. I don’t know if I can find the right woman in the next few years. I preferably want to get married before the age of 30 and do not know if I can find the right woman before that. Where did my optimism retreat to?? Has it waved it’s white flag?? I have to change my train of thought and believe in fate, destiny, and my own ability to control the course of events in my life. I used to believe that things would be ok, that somehow if I did the right things in life, then things would turn out alright. Deep down, I do believe that, but now doubt has crept into the back of my mind.

I need to shed myself of this growing cynicism – I need to obliterate it from my being and consciousness. It will take time, as do all things, but I have to rid myself of the cynicism that has come to plague me over the past few years. I refuse to let the cynicism consume me as a whole.

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