Contractually Obligated

Contractually Obligated

Over the weekend, a few friends and I had a discussion about sports, agents, and contracts. Then one of my friends jokingly mentioned that couples shoud also have contracts, and so here I am, giving this some thought. How can that NOT be a great idea? If you really think about it, every relationship is an unwritten contract, and there are even those that have prenuptials. When you are single, you are approaching the pool of women like a professional draft. You try to make your best decision on who you want to play on your team based on what you know about that person and your initial impressions of that person. That is exactly what you do when you draft an athlete to play for your team. How do you quantify and qualify a woman? Well, the same way you do athletes. You first will take their measurements, and you will definitely have those women who “look good coming off the bus”. Then you have to decide whether you want to draft on upside, potential, or immediate need. Do you want a draft an immensely curvacious female who makes your jaw drop with her immaculate specifications and abilities? Or would you prefer a more seasoned women who plays smarter and can help your right now? Do you have the patience to wait on the that project, to find that diamond in the rough? Can you mold a woman who is raw and brimming with attractive potential into a life partner? I mean, just imagine, you can describe women as having “tremendous upside”, “jaw-dropping abilities”, “relationship savvy”. Now comes the interesting part, it always seems like in the beginning, a rookie has little leeway and little ability to demand anything apart from being paid relative to what other rookies are, some in effect, their rookie contracts are always the worst contracts that they sign. They are less complicated, just like a relationship is in the early stages, and then after that athlete has proven themselves, they may get an extensions loaded with clauses and bonuses. When you have reached a certain length of time with the same person, your expectations of them increase and so do your expectations of your team (you and her) and hence, you expect more out of her. Wouldn’t it be great if you could just release your significant other at the end of her initial contract? I mean, you could even release her and let another person pick her up on waivers. Obviously, there would be bonus clauses littered throughout the contract. Bonus possibilites are things like her doing the laundry, being able and willing to cook, and limiting the nagging to a bearable amount. This isn’t a one-way street, you will also sign a contract with her. So, let’s say that she agrees to let you sit your lazy ass on the couch all day after a hard day’s work and she also agrees to let you not do the dishes, then you are never obligated to do any of those things, because it is explicitly stated and written in the fine print of your relationship contract. Then again, on the flip side, if you both agree to you helping out around the house, taking the kids to and from practice, and other such menial tasks, then you are contractually obligated to perform the duties stated in your contract.

How about exceeding expectations and outperforming your contract? Well, you could always renegotiate that contract, offer an extension, or simply stay put and tell that significant other that until the contract is over, there will be no contract talks. The contract will be as intricate and detailed as you want it to be. Maybe you want a no-trade clause, which disallows her to find another mate, or vice versa. The idea itself of a contract is genius, it eliminates the doubt of getting what you didn’t expect and solidifies the idea of being responsible for what you are liable for. If you agree to let your significant other watch American Idol every week, you CANNOT change the channel to watch the game, otherwise you are breaching your contract and can and should be punished for that. The contract would set a clear line between what is expected and what isn’t and who is responsible for what. It’s genius.

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